I initially titled this entry just "Life Lessons," but that seemed to general. So today's life lesson is about what guys usually think/worry about... girls. I got the 2nd half of the title from a good friend of mine. Now don't go running away thinking I'm going to spill my "Achy Breaky Heart" here, I would just like to share some knowledge I gained with all of the other men in the world. The principles I'm talking about are actually quite simple, but somehow guys always seem to mess things up. Perhaps a little clarification and any comments will clear things up.
So I'm not the best listener. I would say I'm better than average but when I get tired, exhausted, and worn out my capacity decreases tremendously. If you are a guy who has a hard time listening, then this is for you. The first key is the principle of "Validation." If you don't know what this means watch this good video.
In the video it shows one of the aspects of proper validation, he never talked about himself, he always talked about the other person. For the most part this is accurate, however if you're like me and worried about saying the wrong thing then stick to comments that show you are listening like "Uh huh," "I understand," "That's important," "Yeah...," etc.
A second aspect is only offer advice when specifically asked for it, such as, "What is your opinion?" "Could I ask you for advice?" "Could you help me out?" Direct questions like these are indicators of a desire for assistance. Keep in mind, leading statements that might mean they want help should be answered with listening comments. Such statements could be, "I've been thinking a lot about this problem," "I'm worried about this," "I don't know what to do." These are not directly asking for help.
That covers the "how" but what about the "when?" This one I'm still learning about, but I've noticed a few things when I've been a listener. The individual is quiet and pondering, they will approach me, or their concerns will come up during a conversation. The best way to help is to ask questions. "How are you feeling?" "What are you worried about?" "Is there anything I can do for you?" Sometimes the thought that we are there to listen is comfort enough.
The second key is the small things. If you have a wife, girlfriend or are courting (dating) then you are already on your way to understanding the meaning of this. The small things show that we think about the other person in regards to how they are feeling, how busy they are, and their needs. Scheduled occurrences are great opportunities like birthdays, holidays, anniversary, etc. But what is more appreciated (in my opinion) are the seemingly random or unexpected acts. Such as getting their favorite ice cream, candy, flowers or small notes displaying you care about them. If you know the person well, think of some quirks they have. If you're like me and have a bad memory, write them down and keep them with you. Other small things include making dinner, cleaning up, making the bed, and other things. If you don't know where to start, start small and work up to the "bigger" things. But maintain the small items by mixing them in. there's a reason they're called the bigger things because they usually take more time/planning.
So those are the two keys to a girl's heart, or so I was told. :) Use them wisely and honestly, and good luck! Feel free to comment and leave your ideas or suggestions.
That was an awesome post. As a girl I would say you are right on! My favorite is when Dave does something unexpected like writing me a note or bringing home a treat he knows I will love.
ReplyDeleteFrans, this is Dave. GREAT POST. And 100% true. I think the validation/listening is much harder than the small acts of kindness. It's easy to know what someone likes and make sure they have it (whether that means a clean room, a doughnut or a back-rub) but it's way harder to actively listen to someone and provide validation, particularly when you're tired.
ReplyDeleteWhat this usually means is the WORST time to communicate with someone is when you're tired, and oddly it also seems to be the the time when everybody needs you to listen to them. :)